Hilarious sayings are a good way of raising a smile either face to face or in a letter or greetings card. The following Hilarious sayings are a selection of the best we could find on the web, we hope you enjoy them an they help get a laugh for you or a friend.

“Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two women”
Unknown author

“Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful”
Hilarious saying

“The more you learn, the more you know, the more you know, and the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So why bother to learn?”
known funny saying

“Children in backseats will cause accidents. Accidents in backseats can bear children”
Author Unknown

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet”
Saying by Rodney Dangerfield

“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the risk?”
Hilarious saying by unknown author

“Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac”
George Carlin

“Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches”
Jim Carrey quote

“Love the neighbor. But don’t get caught by her husband”
Saying

“I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?”
Hilarious Saying by Paul Merton

“Love is photogenic. It needs darkness room to develop”
Unknown author

“There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn’t stand for that”
Steve Martin saying

“One is tempted to say that the most human plants, after all, are the weeds”
Hilarious sayings by John Burroughs

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own”
Classic saying by Les Dawson

“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is”
Ellen DeGeners

“First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down”
George Burns hilarious saying

“The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with”
Marty Feldman saying

“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention”
Ron Kittle

“We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture”
Hilarious saying by Robin Williams

“For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off”
Johnny Carson

“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night’ ”
Hilarious saying by Charlie Brown

“God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends”
Unknown hilarious sayings

“USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population”
David Letterman

“Your future depends on your dreams.” So go to sleep
Unknown

“The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney….”
Steve Wright

“Fight and you may die. Run and you’ll live, at least a while. And, dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance — just one chance — to come back here and tell our enemies, that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom”
William Wallace

“Some may think that life is laughing at us! Well we’ll see who will have the last laugh!”
Hilarious saying by Siro

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Hilarious Quotes is one of the most popular categories on the Quotes & Sayings website. It goes without saying that everyone enjoys having a good laugh and sure as the day is light you will find plently of quotes to follow that should start you off…

“A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools”
Quote by Douglas Adams

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there”
George Burns saying

“An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her”
Agatha Christie quotation

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception”
Hilarious quote by Groucho Marx

“Always remember that true beauty comes from within — from within bottles, jars, compacts, and tubes”
Hilarious quote by Peter’s Almanac

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes”
Frieda Norris saying

“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate”
Dave Barry saying

“This woman did not fly to extremes; she lived there”
Quote by Quentin Crisp

“Committee – a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours”
M. Berle quote

“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work”
Robert Orben

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific”
Lily Tomlin saying

“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants”
Quote by A. Whitney Brown

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own”

Les Dawson quote

“If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is surely not meant for you”
Author Unknown

“If you can’t go over it or through it, you’d better negotiate with it”
Ashleigh Brilliant quotation

“I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown”
Woody Allen quote

“I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want—an adorable pancreas?”
Jean Kerr hilarious quotation

“Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos”
Homer Simpson hilarious quote to his daughter

“Look how often the unexpected happens — yet we still never expect it”
Ashleigh Brilliant

“Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage”

Ambrose Bierce saying

“Nobody goes where the crowds are anymore. It’s too crowded”
Yogi Berra quote

“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important”

Famous hilarious quote by Bertrand Russell

“No, I don’t have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem”
Ashleigh Brilliant quote

“Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like”
Adrienne Gusoff quotation

“Strike while your employer has a big contract”
Author Unknown

“Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that’s really where you wish they were”
George E. Bergman hilarious quote

“The conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking”

Arthur Bloc

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe”

Albert Einstein’s hilarious quotation

“Why is it when we talk to God we’re praying, but when God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic?”
Lily Tomlin

“You have to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going because you might not get there”
Yogi Berra quote

“He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house”
Zsa Zsa Gabor hilarious quote

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