Quotes & Sayings

Hilarious sayings are a good way of raising a smile either face to face or in a letter or greetings card. The following Hilarious sayings are a selection of the best we could find on the web, we hope you enjoy them an they help get a laugh for you or a friend.

“Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two women”
Unknown author

“Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful”
Hilarious saying

“The more you learn, the more you know, the more you know, and the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So why bother to learn?”
known funny saying

“Children in backseats will cause accidents. Accidents in backseats can bear children”
Author Unknown

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet”
Saying by Rodney Dangerfield

“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the risk?”
Hilarious saying by unknown author

“Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac”
George Carlin

“Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches”
Jim Carrey quote

“Love the neighbor. But don’t get caught by her husband”
Saying

“I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?”
Hilarious Saying by Paul Merton

“Love is photogenic. It needs darkness room to develop”
Unknown author

“There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn’t stand for that”
Steve Martin saying

“One is tempted to say that the most human plants, after all, are the weeds”
Hilarious sayings by John Burroughs

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own”
Classic saying by Les Dawson

“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is”
Ellen DeGeners

“First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down”
George Burns hilarious saying

“The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with”
Marty Feldman saying

“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention”
Ron Kittle

“We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture”
Hilarious saying by Robin Williams

“For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off”
Johnny Carson

“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night’ ”
Hilarious saying by Charlie Brown

“God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends”
Unknown hilarious sayings

“USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population”
David Letterman

“Your future depends on your dreams.” So go to sleep
Unknown

“The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney….”
Steve Wright

“Fight and you may die. Run and you’ll live, at least a while. And, dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance — just one chance — to come back here and tell our enemies, that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom”
William Wallace

“Some may think that life is laughing at us! Well we’ll see who will have the last laugh!”
Hilarious saying by Siro

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